Florida Officials Ban the Word ‘Alligator’

American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis)

Earlier this month, published reports disclosed that Florida officials banned the words “climate change” and “global warming” from all official discussions and publications. Now comes another shocking revelation. They also banned the word, “alligator”!

Goodbye Climate Change

On March 8, the non-profit Florida Center for Investigative Reporting published a report that officials at the Florida Department of Environmental Protection are ordered not to use the terms “climate change” and “global warming” in any official communications, emails, or reports. This is according to former employees, consultants, volunteers and records obtained by the Florida Center for Investigative Reporting. The former employees made statements on the record.

Florida is the state most susceptible to the effects of global warming in the United States. Sea-level rise threatens 30 percent of the state’s beaches over the next 85 years.

But have no fear! According to former employee Kristina Trotta:

We were instructed by our regional administrator that we were no longer allowed to use the terms ‘global warming’ or ‘climate change’ or even ‘sea-level rise’. Sea-level rise was to be referred to as ‘nuisance flooding.’

– Kristina Trotta, former field and administrative assistant, Florida DEP

Thank goodness sea-level rise is gone forever! Nuisance flooding sounds much better.

Florida Officials Ban ‘Alligator’

On April 1, a new report will be released that shows state officials also banned use of the word “alligator” by the Florida Parks Service.

The word alligator sounds dangerous. Studies show that tourists are less likely go swimming when they hear the word “alligator”. They are less likely to visit the Everglades or even to purchase high-end handbags. We were instructed that alligators are to be referred to as “cuddly reptiles.”

– Former DEP/Florida Parks Service employee

Cuddly Reptile

Florida Parks Service employees are instructed to use the phrase “cuddly reptile” to replace the word “alligator” in their official communications. Worse still, they are encouraged to use the term in their unofficial interactions as well. Here are some examples of phrases they were told to adopt:

See you later, cuddly reptile!
Cuddly reptile handbag
Cuddly reptile boots
A cuddly reptile has my arm!

All state park warning signs will change to use the new phrase later this year.

An unconfirmed report also states that Florida officials attempted to ban the classic Disney movie, “Peter Pan” from Florida theaters.

Reports that officials pressured the University of Florida to change the name of its football team to the “cuddly reptiles” are unconfirmed.

When Will It End?

In a time when leadership is required to confront real environmental issues, Florida officials choose to ban the words “climate change,” “global warming,” and now “alligator.” Rumors are circulating that this policy will continue and even expand. Other candidates for the Florida ban include:

Mosquito
Hurricane
Traffic
Sweltering heat
Un-gated community

In banning “climate change” and “global warming” Florida officials choose to ignore an important issue with a real chance of affecting peoples’ lives. This may be why there is no ban on the phrase, “Miami Dolphins, Superbowl Champions.”

If you haven’t figured it out, this is satire for April Fools. However, Florida really did ban the words “climate change” and “global warming” from official communications.